Why?

 

Today, I am 14365 days old. If you the math and that computes to being alive for almost 39.5 years. It's crazy to think how much I've experienced in almost 40 years. I've had a lot of fun, a lot of not-fun (chronic pain), and made my fair share of mistakes along the way. But, I have also learned a lot about myself in the process. Life is hard and it isn't always pretty for humans. Here in 2021, we live in a social media-driven society and that makes for bizarre times. The internet brings a whole world of information into the palm of our hands with very little governance. In the US, true, factual information is now being referred to as "alternative facts" by those that disagree. In an attempt to be first, the media sensationalizes the issues, often rushing to report speculation. People can seek the news they WANT to hear, despite fact-checking, and it's creating so much hate and division.... Right vs Left, Black vs White, Rich vs Poor, Religion vs EVERYTHING. Humans seemingly cannot agree on anything or even unite for their own greater good. Society is crumbling at the hands of greed while we all sit and watch and do nothing. It's depressing. On top of that, we are just starting to come out of a global pandemic that has not only changed the way that we live, but has amplified the nasty-nature of mankind. It's honestly ridiculous and exhausting. All of it makes you want to deactivate social media and crawl into a hole if only for a momentary escape. Yet, it's also the main conduit by which we access much of the world.... Is it better to know or is ignorance bliss? I don't know if it's even possible to answer that question. But what I do know, is that it's a dangerous problem with seemingly no solution. So what can I do?

I've been in bi-weekly therapy for years now trying to sort through all that is me. With the goal of understanding myself better, therapy has taken me down many dark roads, yet has always left me with greater understanding. You see, what I've learned most from therapy is that self-care is a full-time job and I have NOT been putting in the work. I'm learning that who I've always thought of myself as, isn't the full picture. For example, I am a Pisces. I am a water sign and, like water, I can mold myself to fit just about any situation. I've always thought this was one of my many superpowers when, in reality, it's a dangerous trait without the proper boundaries. (boundaries, boundaries, boundaries... i'll have PLENTY more to say about boundaries as my blog progresses) I have also always thought of myself as a do-er. Need something done quickly and efficiently? I'm your girl. It's true, I can be a great do-er. But if I'm being really honest with myself, I'm actually very lazy. I excel in coming up with good ideas... i just rarely see them through. I don't know if this is just another side-effect of clinical depression, or if I'm just lazy. Probably a healthy mix of both. That said, I'm still learning myself. My adulthood came on quickly and very early in life. I grew up much too fast and now am spending so much of my adulthood trying to figure out what has gotten me here. 

As I said before, it hasn't always been pretty. I realized I was gay a little later in life. I've had chronic pain for 12 years.  I've had two divorces. I've gone through much confusion regarding the relationship with my father. I've denounced religion. I've adopted two children. It's a lot to work through while also trying to be a good friend, daughter, mother, girlfriend/spouse, coworker! But, it's what I have to do if I want to keep growing and bettering myself.

 

All that said, I have had an important realization in the past year about my personal presence on the internet. Someday, I will be gone from this earth and all that will be left of me will be the memories I shared with those who are still living. Sure, there will be old photos and keepsakes too.... but ultimately NOTHING will be as telling as the content I put on my social media. Be it sarcasm, funny animals, random ridiculous poll questions, etc... These posts will ultimately define who I am to those once I am gone. Talk about pressure... The internet is running short on people without skeletons in their digital history. So this is my attempt to remedy this and control my own narrative. I want my kids to have a place to learn more about my experiences... a place to come to when I'm gone that they can read my words and hear my voice, even if only in their heads.

This is my story, according to me... and I've got a lot to catch you up on. :)

Keep your head up,

same 'n same