Hungry to Learn Again

I guess I'm going to try and make this blog a regular Friday event. I have to make a schedule of things to stay on top of the chaos that is life. I have so many ideas during the week of what i want to write about but I unusually think of this stuff in the car when I cant exactly write things down. However, I'm a complicated human and i've got plenty of subject material.

About 10 years ago, I denounced all religion and spirituality. But let me back up by saying that I was raised in a split home by christian parents. My mom grew up Church of Christ and didnt really go to church regularly, best i know. I suppose that might have something to do with my grandparents having 10 kids and being in the military. Regardless, I was taught about God and Jesus etc, When I got into my pre-teens, my dad and step mom at the time (Cathy) were mega into their church and life groups and whatnot. My dad was an elder in the church and we were pretty forced to consider the christian god in all things. One summer my stepmom made me break all my secular CDs because I had The Craft Soundtrack lol. Needless to say, I followed what I was taught and never questioned it... 

So, after a pretty rough breakup, about 15 years ago, I decided to stop "praying about it" and start actually making changes in my life and I found that when you take responsibility for your own choices, you can make positive changes in your life. When you choose to only pray about it and not change your own actions, you shouldn't expect results. This taught me everything. I finally was taking responsibility for my own actions (or in-actions) and growing as a real life human being... and I havent missed religion at all. But I do realize that I miss spirituality. Religion or no-religion, I'm finding that spirituality is a part of life you cannot refute.... but it also has nothing to do with religion. I think when I realized that you can be spiritual and not religious, it lit a fire in me to figure out what I believe and what I honestly feel intune with. So here's my stream of consciousness when it comes to my spirituality:

I believe in Alchemy.

I believe in the vibrations and frequencies that exist in our universe. 

I believe that the idea of getting "bad vibes" or "trusting your instinct" is adverse vibrations and frequencies that we should take note of.

I believe in the powers of rocks and crystals* and all of earth elements. I believe you can use them as a tool for understanding and healing... even if its just the practice of mindfulness and intent.

*Look, I don't worship a crystal or anything.. I just believe that all elements have their own frequencies and they can effect our frequencies to manipulate our physical and spiritual beings.

Here's the deal... when you believe in NOTHING, you should be open to EVERYTHING. How can I say I don't believe in things if I haven't tried it myself? It's easy to call it all bullshit and walk away... but it doesn't remedy that inner-most feel of "who am I and why do I exist". I think all humans have a need to understand. We all need to feel like we have purpose... I don't know if we do or not. Hell, all of this creation could be a fluke accident and there is no meaning. Or maybe we are some ant farm-like project for a greater species. Maybe the universe is actually the nucleus of a cell of something MUCH larger we'll never understand.

I don't know. I don't know the answers and that's okay. But I can expand my knowledge and grow to find my own truths, and that's where i am now.

I've suddenly got much interest in reading books on the metaphysical. The tarot, the zodiac, numerology, palmistry.... what if we can actually tap into the knowledge of the universe by decoding it's existence?!? 

Who knows. But for now, Im digging it.

 

Why?

 

Today, I am 14365 days old. If you the math and that computes to being alive for almost 39.5 years. It's crazy to think how much I've experienced in almost 40 years. I've had a lot of fun, a lot of not-fun (chronic pain), and made my fair share of mistakes along the way. But, I have also learned a lot about myself in the process. Life is hard and it isn't always pretty for humans. Here in 2021, we live in a social media-driven society and that makes for bizarre times. The internet brings a whole world of information into the palm of our hands with very little governance. In the US, true, factual information is now being referred to as "alternative facts" by those that disagree. In an attempt to be first, the media sensationalizes the issues, often rushing to report speculation. People can seek the news they WANT to hear, despite fact-checking, and it's creating so much hate and division.... Right vs Left, Black vs White, Rich vs Poor, Religion vs EVERYTHING. Humans seemingly cannot agree on anything or even unite for their own greater good. Society is crumbling at the hands of greed while we all sit and watch and do nothing. It's depressing. On top of that, we are just starting to come out of a global pandemic that has not only changed the way that we live, but has amplified the nasty-nature of mankind. It's honestly ridiculous and exhausting. All of it makes you want to deactivate social media and crawl into a hole if only for a momentary escape. Yet, it's also the main conduit by which we access much of the world.... Is it better to know or is ignorance bliss? I don't know if it's even possible to answer that question. But what I do know, is that it's a dangerous problem with seemingly no solution. So what can I do?

I've been in bi-weekly therapy for years now trying to sort through all that is me. With the goal of understanding myself better, therapy has taken me down many dark roads, yet has always left me with greater understanding. You see, what I've learned most from therapy is that self-care is a full-time job and I have NOT been putting in the work. I'm learning that who I've always thought of myself as, isn't the full picture. For example, I am a Pisces. I am a water sign and, like water, I can mold myself to fit just about any situation. I've always thought this was one of my many superpowers when, in reality, it's a dangerous trait without the proper boundaries. (boundaries, boundaries, boundaries... i'll have PLENTY more to say about boundaries as my blog progresses) I have also always thought of myself as a do-er. Need something done quickly and efficiently? I'm your girl. It's true, I can be a great do-er. But if I'm being really honest with myself, I'm actually very lazy. I excel in coming up with good ideas... i just rarely see them through. I don't know if this is just another side-effect of clinical depression, or if I'm just lazy. Probably a healthy mix of both. That said, I'm still learning myself. My adulthood came on quickly and very early in life. I grew up much too fast and now am spending so much of my adulthood trying to figure out what has gotten me here. 

As I said before, it hasn't always been pretty. I realized I was gay a little later in life. I've had chronic pain for 12 years.  I've had two divorces. I've gone through much confusion regarding the relationship with my father. I've denounced religion. I've adopted two children. It's a lot to work through while also trying to be a good friend, daughter, mother, girlfriend/spouse, coworker! But, it's what I have to do if I want to keep growing and bettering myself.

 

All that said, I have had an important realization in the past year about my personal presence on the internet. Someday, I will be gone from this earth and all that will be left of me will be the memories I shared with those who are still living. Sure, there will be old photos and keepsakes too.... but ultimately NOTHING will be as telling as the content I put on my social media. Be it sarcasm, funny animals, random ridiculous poll questions, etc... These posts will ultimately define who I am to those once I am gone. Talk about pressure... The internet is running short on people without skeletons in their digital history. So this is my attempt to remedy this and control my own narrative. I want my kids to have a place to learn more about my experiences... a place to come to when I'm gone that they can read my words and hear my voice, even if only in their heads.

This is my story, according to me... and I've got a lot to catch you up on. :)

Keep your head up,

same 'n same